An Exercise in Putting Thoughts into Words

So I was prescribed sertraline 100mg (off-brand Zoloft) and Vistaril 25mg.  Not entirely sure how I feel about this…  I was on Zoloft when I was 15-16 and I hated it because it made me feel like a zombie.  Granted, that may have been because I was 15-16, didn’t want the medicine to work, didn’t want anything to do with therapy, and was just a miserable bitch in general, mental disorders aside, when she said that she wanted me to try it again, I was like um…  Okay.  If I get the zombie numbness, awesome.  But she said it probably wouldn’t happen.  :/  So I guess we’ll see.  The Vistaril is basically a souped-up Benedryl, but apparently it’s supposed to help stop anxiety and will help me sleep.  Sadly I can’t take it during the day for panic attacks, but if it’ll knock me out at night, I’ll take it, because Nyquil isn’t doing its job any more and I’m taking way too much of it and topping it off with an illicit Ativan.  And hey, since it’s still technically an antihistimine, maybe it’ll help my water allergy so I can stop wanting to rip my skin off every night after my shower and it’ll clear my nose up from these damn allergies.  And maybe my eyes won’t be swollen and painful when I cry because I’m allergic to my own tears.  Thanks, aquagenic pruritis.

Anyways, I have a follow up with her in a month to see how the drugs are working.  She’s also apparently going to try and find a therapist who isn’t too expensive for me, so that’ll be good because I’m not even going to fucking TRY dredging shit up until I’m medicated and it’s working.  She was nice enough.  There’s only so much you can get out in an hour, though…  And I wasn’t about to unleash everything because I feel it’s best to just slowly let the crazy out so as to not overwhelm anyone.  She thinks the main consideration right now is generalized anxiety disorder with depression as runner up. I guess that’s fine for now.  I wouldn’t really trust someone who slapped a diagnosis like BPD on someone after just an hour, but I could tell she was hinting around it and asking oddly specific questions, which I answered truthfully.  So we’ll see…  

I’m pretty much numb right now and have been all day.  Not that it’s a bad thing…  I’d rather be numb than overemotional or depressed or anxious or anything else.  I just feel like I should be feeling SOMETHING, and knowing that I should be feeling something is starting to bring up the anxiety, but it’s like… Behind a wall or something in me.  Probably the food wall because I’ve been stuffing my fucking face since I walked in the door.

While in the waiting room, though, some guy that was waiting said I was pretty.  I dunno why.  It was strange.  And I think he meant it.  What the hell?

  1. hey-mr-arnstein answered: I had my first Sertraline tablet last night. I haven’t slept all night and have been feeling really numb too. It’s like my brain is silent!
  2. admiralboobs answered: be careful - I had increased bleeding from sirtraline. nose bleeds, uterine bleeding, etc..
  3. oldfashionedwords posted this